Fears realized...

In my 10th week I go in for my first appointment with the Maternal Fetal Medicine doctor (high risk specialist). I am freaking out. I have pretty bad white coat syndrome. I want to RUN from the ultrasound room, I want to hide in the bathroom, I want to escape from the windows...full blown panic. Doug is trying to soothe me (which just makes it worse), but he's worried and I think a little embarrassed by my behavior. I talk really fast, shake a little, and get forehead sweaty. I keep assuring him and the nurses that I will be better next time, it's most awful on my first visit.

While we are waiting for the ultrasound tech I look at Doug and say, "I am not worried about this pregnancy at all, I'm just terrified of this office right now." Stupid stupid stupid.

By the time I calmed down enough to get on the table and the tech starts looking at the babies I am so consumed by anxiety that I just want it to be over. I am consumed by my own fear. My brain registers that she's found one baby and let us hear his strong, healthy heartbeat. I'm grateful and think 'Okay, one down, two to go...then I can get out of here.'

Except she can't find the second baby.  She says he's hiding. I think, 'Well, that's Baby B. He's the small one and he's sandwiched in there.' She calls for the doctor and they both look using two different wands. Nothing. At this point rational, sane Doug is worried, but I am thinking "If I can just calm down they'll find them and we can all leave." I am so out of my mind.

Then the nurse takes me to a room with a table and four chairs, not an exam room.A box of tissues sits on the table and it hits me...something is wrong.

I immediately calm down.  I am actually pretty good in a crisis.  Dr. T is very kind, but very professional. He assures me over and over that there is nothing I could have done to cause or prevent this, but then he explains that one of the twins had no detectable heartbeat and the other has only a very slow rhythm. He says he's pretty sure he knows what's "coming down the pike," but I need to come back in for another u/s in a week.

He reassures me that Baby C has a very good chance, but if anything is going to happen it will most likely happen this week. The twins stopped growing about two days after my emergency nine week ultrasound. I had known something was wrong...just like the last two miscarriages.

I leave numb. I want to see my parents. My mom seems a little numb too, but my dad takes my hand and says, "I don't know these babies yet, but you are the most important thing to me and I love you."

After seeing my parents we go home and I crawl into my bed for the rest of the day.