I recognize that many people have it much worse than I do. I can't imagine the frustration and devastation of trying for a year or more to get pregnant and THEN having a miscarriage. I always considered myself somewhat lucky that we could get pregnant so easily. However, I also wallowed in the fact that there is practically nothing medicine can do to help someone like me. There's no IVF for recurrent miscarriage, there's only surrogacy.
I've never had the mindset that I must have biological children, I'm a strong believer in adoption, but I also never had to confront the open rebellion of my body. It just wasn't working right. I was getting frustrated and almost afraid to get pregnant...how many babies would I lose?
I hope I have the final answer: 4.
On Monday my high-risk OB confirmed by ultrasound that the twins were gone. We saw their sad little bodies just kind of floating with no heartbeats. No movement. No life.
He also showed me the dancing, wiggling, waving, little lime-sized Baby C who grew twelve days worth in a week.
So, I have the choice to be happy for Baby C or sad sad sad for the little, sweet twins. I decide Baby C needs me. It's not like a regular miscarriage, I can't give in to the sucking pain and failure. I still have work to do. I can't stop crying at odd moments, but I can keep from breaking down. I need to resist the call of my fluffy bed and sad thoughts. I need to take a walk, eat good food, and sleep for refreshment instead of oblivion. I need to watch a funny movie with Doug and make rude comments on Facebook. I don't want Baby C to think this is a sad home with a sad mom, I want him to stay with me.
In the end, if I'm lucky, I will get what I originally wanted. One baby. But it's so much more complicated than that.
 |
| Baby C. That little half moon thing on the right/middle is his hand right by his head. He's waving! |
You are so brave... I see you guys as a role model, facing this situation with such dignity.
ReplyDeleteLet´s celebrate Baby C´s life. I´m pretty sure if you can go through this, Baby C will make you guys the proudest parents ever.
While this blog has only been active for about 72 hours, I am already finding myself looking forward to reading your new feelings and challenges you and Doug are up against. This is moving and extremely inspirational; while it may have originally been seen as an outlet to express your feelings about expecting and the fear that comes along with becoming a mother--which isn't in the fine print;) it allows others to feel a tiny dose of what you and Doug might be going through. Now, everyone is cheering on 'Baby C,' there's a reason he's still standing strong and I can't wait to see what it is! Praying for you all and continue to look forward to your next post!
ReplyDeleteLindsay Nitishin
Don't worry about crying at odd times, I think all pregnant women do that, I sure did. So happy about baby C!
ReplyDelete